Image by Josephine Wall.
Gratitude
Today's writing prompt word was gratitude. This one is tough, only because I feel like I've almost OVER-covered this topic in past articles. So I'm going to skip all of the obvious, always be grateful type things. I'm going to skip listing the 9000 things and people I'm grateful for. And I'm going to pick just one thing. Today, I am grateful that a wonderful woman in Holland,who goes by the name Rainbow Imagine tweeted out writing prompts. She has given me my voice back. I am incredibly grateful to her. 

​humor me
Going along with something that seems stupid or pointless for the sake of the other person.

Perhaps agreeing with someone just to keep them happy. *from Urban Dictionary

Please humor me. I am not quite myself yet. It might be confusing to see me some days, so full of life and so genuinely happy. And other days, I am hardly doing a decent impression of myself. The good news is that the good days are coming a lot more frequently. The bad news is that when the bad days come, I full on panic at the depth of my sadness. 
So you'll see me on a good day, with my friends or family, and I'm clearly having a blast. And you'll think, "look at her, she's got this!" Three days later I might be sitting on the floor with my dog crying my eyes out. A couple of days somewhere in the middle will follow. My body and mind fight so hard to get my spirit back. And then when it does, I want to capitalize on that. I want to squeeze out every drop of fun and beauty and light and just, life. I imagine its confusing to watch, as I'm blessed to have a lot of people around me who care about me. 
Humor me.
Sometimes I cant drive very far. Sometimes I can.
Sometimes the idea of a huge crowd sounds like a blast. Other days, that sounds very scary to me.
Sometimes I want to be alone. Sometimes I need people I love, or even strangers around me to escape the thoughts rattling through my head. Sometimes I want to be with people because I feel like myself, and just want to enjoy their company. 
Every once in a while, I cry. Who wouldnt. Hand me a tissue. Dont make a big deal out of it, but dont ignore it either. Most times it only lasts a couple of minutes. 
Come along on my adventures. Join me when Im in the light. Ive never been more eager for fun and adventure. Having something to look forward to is also a huge help. 
Understand when I know something will trigger my grief and set me back. It might not make sense to you. Ive got eight months of this under my belt. I know when something is or is not going to be good for me. And that changes from day to day. And then changes back again. 
Humor me. Stick with me. I need all of you more than ever. 

I've always been pretty good at forgiving people who hurt me for their "sins," perceived by me. Forgiveness to me means, if you are staying in my life, I forgive you and no longer hold this, *whatever it is,* against you. I let it go. Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of communication and I will almost always tell someone if what they say or do is hurting me. This last bit is new in the last 3 years. Its a better way to live. Talk about it, straighten it out, move on. If I need to separate you from my life, I still forgive you, completely. And genuinely wish you well. GENUINELY.
The hardest bit of forgiveness for me is forgiving myself. For stupid things I say and do sometimes. 
I'm getting better at it. I'm focusing on trying to be at least half as kind to myself as I am to others. Join me. Let it go. Today is a new day. Give it your best without all of yesterday's garbage dragging you down. We all get another chance to get it right, every day that we wake up on this planet. Let's do this. 

One of my best friends, Christine, painted this portrait of my beautiful dog KD Puppy for me. She has captured KD perfectly. 

This is a photo of her when she was a wee pup. Awww. 

This recent photo shows that if anything, the heart on her chest is even more defined. 
So this pup just looks like she would be a sweet little love. And she is. She leads with her heart. A stranger is only a friend she hasn't met yet. She cant wait to say hello or meet someone new. And once you are her friend, she will always greet you with happiness and excitement. Sometimes a little too much, but we have been working hard on that. She is very smart and is learning when to dial it back and with whom. 
This pup leads with love and then dials it back when she needs to. She will shower you with love if you like it, she will back way off if she senses she needs to. And if she needs to get tough, trust me she will. She'd rather not. She's happiest of all giving love. Hmm. I think thats a pretty good way to live as a human too. 

I was on Twitter the other day, and this writing prompt popped up. I decided to do it. I promised myself I wouldn't over-think it. I will just blast something out faithfully every day. At the end of the 31 days, I'm hoping Ill have found my writing voice again. And I recruited some of my writer-ly type friends to do it with me. So here it is: Day One. Love. 
LOVE. 
I've been forced to build a new life for myself. Except. Ill never ever be by myself. My family. My friends. My beloved pup. Even strangers, are on this ride with me. Catching me and helping me put myself back together when I fall. Tolerating and encouraging my adventures and shenanigans. I am blessed with big, crazy, beautiful love all around me. Every day of my life. I truly live on Love Street. 

Ive had a pretty rough time of it. I just have. But the last couple of days, I felt myself becoming defiant.  Not much of a swearer, every time I'd go to the "dark place," I started thinking, "Fuck you Grief. Im not a dark and miserable person. And my beautiful love for this beautiful man, and his for me? Is not going to turn me in to some sad and depressing person. Its just not." 
So yeah. It sucks. Badly. Still on day 36. But you know what, I am working very hard at this. I cannot be one of those casualties of lost love. He wouldn't want that, and neither do I. 
So you know what Grief, Fuck Off. Go destroy someone else. You are not making my love the ruin of me. 
When you start creeping in, I'm going to head you off with doing nice things for other people, praying, Playing with my dog. Exercise. And getting every single kind of help that I need to come out of this whole. 

The truth of it is, I cannot offer advice on how to talk to anyone other than myself. There are so many generalized grief articles out there. The bottom line is, we are all different, and want different things in terms of support. 

Ive always had an amazing family and friend support system. Im very blessed. When I recently went to the psychiatrist, he told me that I am set up to eventually have a pretty amazing life again. It's hard to believe now, but I am fully aware of the many blessings of family, friends, job, even the kindness of strangers that I have always enjoyed. 
Anyway, here are my suggestions for dealing with me, suggestions or maybe explanations. 

1) Just tell me you are sorry for what I am going through. Dont beat yourself up about a huge, life-changing speech. Its not only unnecessary, I don't need or want it.
 
2) If you say something dumb, forgive yourself. I have chosen to think that at least during this point in my life, everybody means well. It's all ok. We all feel awkward. I know it's meant with love. 

3) Yes, you can talk about him. Share stories, ask me about mine. Nothing I love to talk or hear about more. Seriously. It makes me feel closer to him. And God, do I ever miss him. 
 
4) No, hearing about the death of your loved one doesnt help me. It only makes me sadder.
 
5) Yes, offer to come visit or do something. There is a very odd list of things that I am up for right now because my head is not on straight. Don't be offended if I can't do your thing. DO suggest it. It might be just what I need!! And also:Ask me what I CAN do.  Because I do want to see you. 

6) Yes, for once in my life I can and will accept help. So If you are offering help with something, i will probably take you up on it. 

7) I love all of you. 

I wake up every morning happy. It takes me a few seconds to remember that you are gone and that you are never coming back.
I cry.
I sometimes ask God why.
I talk to you up in heaven like you are here and ask you to come back. 
 I get dressed. I take KD Puppy out. Thank God for her. 
Then I go to work, or I go and do whatever plans Ive made, trying to hold myself together the best that I can.
I have pockets of a few minutes each day where its just normal, not grieving me. 
The rest of the day, I spend thinking about how you would have loved this little meal, this little conversation. How even if we were not together, which was rare, I would have enjoyed telling you about it later.
I hate being alone.
I hate being with other people.
I hate being away from home.
I hate being home. 
Each day I hope that tomorrow wont be quite as bad.
I go to bed early, hoping that I can conjure you up in sleep. I hug my pillows and blankets like I used to hug you all night. 
I fall asleep from exhaustion. 
​I wake up every morning happy, It takes me a few seconds to remember that you are gone and that you are never coming back.  

The first time during our relationship that I was sick, I was sick to my stomach. Peter rubbed my back the whole time, sensing that it was extra-horrible for me. (It was , I had a number of years fighting stomach issues) I mean, he rubbed my back while I was puking. And then he brushed my hair to calm me. And then he rubbed my back when I finally laid down to let me know he was there. One of the most loving and special moments I have ever experienced. 
If at any time this becomes TMI, just scroll by. At this point, Im writing for Peter and for myself. If it makes you smile, keep reading stuff that I write. If not, I get it. 

Peter was visiting. He still lived in Binghamton. We were in my house. The house that I was in throughout my marriage that had ended a while back. It was a happy house, but it had become a sad house. There is no other way to really explain it. 
At that time I was hoping to still be able to afford the house and make it a happy place again. 
So, prior to Peter's visit I had gotten this idea about stringing some solar lights in the backyard. I loved sitting out back, and thought that would be a lovely touch out there. We went to the store together, picking out a couple of beautiful lights that looked like flowers, and then some others to string around the deck and the bushes. It was fun shopping with him. He had a way of making everything magical. In the beginning, I used to think that he was just trying trying to entertain me to ease my broken heart. I later learned, no, that's just Peter. 
Anyway, we picked up a few things, and he planned to put these things up while I was at work on that Saturday. I came home to find :
He had my favorite music playing.
He had a beautiful table set.
He had my favorite wine chilling. 
A delicious dinner in the oven. 
And then. He brought me outside, first putting his hands over my eyes. He removed his hands to show me the most beautiful backyard I had ever seen.My entire backyard was alive with lights. Lights around the trees, bushes. He put up a candle chandelier that I had in storage, hung it from a big tree and had candles burning from it. He had gone back and bought out the store in wrapping lights, and picked up more flower lights that fit in with the scheme we had planned. 
This will always be one of the most special memories and one of the most romantic nights of my life.