April 12. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
Three years ago today, Peter and I were falling in love.
Two years ago today, Facebook tells me we went on a bike ride adventure and called it the "official start of Summer 2015, Epic Summer!" We were right. Spring-summer 2015 went on to be the best of both of our lives. Crazy in love, every single day and night was an adventure. All of 2014 and 2015 were magical, along with some magical moments in early 2016.
One year ago today, I took Peter to MASH. He was jaundiced and weak. It was clear to all of us that he was very sick, and he finally agree to go get checked on at MASH. There we were told that he needed to go to the ER. He begged me for one more night at home sleeping wrapped around each other. I granted him that wish, one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. I'm now glad that I did. Because this was the beginning of the end. The next day, we went to the ER at Kenmore Mercy and found out the gravity of his illness and just how close he was to death. The next three months of our lives were a whirlwind of hospitals, home care, extreme sickness, extreme love. We didnt think he was going to die. We were just trying to keep him well enough for a transplant. You can scroll back and read about the months where he was sick if you like. Ive said enough about that. But God, or The Universe, or somebody, had other plans. July 10 we lost him.
These milestone days. The first time going to the hospital. Its easy to get sucked right back in to extreme grief and darkness. I am going to work very hard on not doing that. I remind myself how far Ive come since July, and I tell myself bumps and setbacks are natural. But I am not going to live in grief and misery for the rest of my life.
When I woke up this morning, I popped on Facebook, and the memories showed me last year. But they also showed me the last several April 12ths of my life. So there is context. I can see, although I never articulated it, I remember through my posts what was going on. I can see, and remember the pain I was in during 2011-2012. I can see myself coming back to life in 2013-2014. And then the happiest time of my life, in 2014 and 2015. And I can tell just by what I wrote, although no stranger would detect it, I can tell when I started to know something was very wrong.
Last night I was walking KD by the water near Gateway Park. I was thinking about the progress that I am making on becoming a happy, healthy person again. I remembered my promise to myself to take this year to concentrate on getting better. Concentrate on my beloved job, my physical fitness, and spend any additional free time doing things and being around positive people places and pursuits that make me happy. Im not at the point where I can do as much as I used to helping others yet. I was puzzling over it a bit. Im sure not fully healed yet, but I am getting a lot better. So Im walking along mulling all of this over. I looked up at the sky, and asked Peter for help. "Show me what to do next," I said. KD started pulling me, and barking. I try to settle her but she wont be deterred. I look up to see what shes trying to show me. Its the sign above: "Take care of yourself." In big red letters. It doesn't get much clearer than that. Thanks, Peter!
I hope that my Facebook post on April 12, 2018 is telling the world that I am bursting with happiness again. Maybe Ill even fall in love again, who knows. In the mean time, I plan on taking Peters advice, and working towards a happy life again. For now, Ill stick with taking care of myself.
Three years ago today, Peter and I were falling in love.
Two years ago today, Facebook tells me we went on a bike ride adventure and called it the "official start of Summer 2015, Epic Summer!" We were right. Spring-summer 2015 went on to be the best of both of our lives. Crazy in love, every single day and night was an adventure. All of 2014 and 2015 were magical, along with some magical moments in early 2016.
One year ago today, I took Peter to MASH. He was jaundiced and weak. It was clear to all of us that he was very sick, and he finally agree to go get checked on at MASH. There we were told that he needed to go to the ER. He begged me for one more night at home sleeping wrapped around each other. I granted him that wish, one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make. I'm now glad that I did. Because this was the beginning of the end. The next day, we went to the ER at Kenmore Mercy and found out the gravity of his illness and just how close he was to death. The next three months of our lives were a whirlwind of hospitals, home care, extreme sickness, extreme love. We didnt think he was going to die. We were just trying to keep him well enough for a transplant. You can scroll back and read about the months where he was sick if you like. Ive said enough about that. But God, or The Universe, or somebody, had other plans. July 10 we lost him.
These milestone days. The first time going to the hospital. Its easy to get sucked right back in to extreme grief and darkness. I am going to work very hard on not doing that. I remind myself how far Ive come since July, and I tell myself bumps and setbacks are natural. But I am not going to live in grief and misery for the rest of my life.
When I woke up this morning, I popped on Facebook, and the memories showed me last year. But they also showed me the last several April 12ths of my life. So there is context. I can see, although I never articulated it, I remember through my posts what was going on. I can see, and remember the pain I was in during 2011-2012. I can see myself coming back to life in 2013-2014. And then the happiest time of my life, in 2014 and 2015. And I can tell just by what I wrote, although no stranger would detect it, I can tell when I started to know something was very wrong.
Last night I was walking KD by the water near Gateway Park. I was thinking about the progress that I am making on becoming a happy, healthy person again. I remembered my promise to myself to take this year to concentrate on getting better. Concentrate on my beloved job, my physical fitness, and spend any additional free time doing things and being around positive people places and pursuits that make me happy. Im not at the point where I can do as much as I used to helping others yet. I was puzzling over it a bit. Im sure not fully healed yet, but I am getting a lot better. So Im walking along mulling all of this over. I looked up at the sky, and asked Peter for help. "Show me what to do next," I said. KD started pulling me, and barking. I try to settle her but she wont be deterred. I look up to see what shes trying to show me. Its the sign above: "Take care of yourself." In big red letters. It doesn't get much clearer than that. Thanks, Peter!
I hope that my Facebook post on April 12, 2018 is telling the world that I am bursting with happiness again. Maybe Ill even fall in love again, who knows. In the mean time, I plan on taking Peters advice, and working towards a happy life again. For now, Ill stick with taking care of myself.
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